Smoking my pipe on the mountings, sniffing the morning cool,
I walks in my old brown gaiters along o' my own brown mule,
With seventy odd gunners behind me, an' never a beggar forgets
That it's only the pick of the Army that handles the dear little pets - 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all loves the screw guns - the screw guns they all loves you!
So when we calls round with a few guns, o' course you will know what to do - hoo! hoo!
Just send in your Chief and surrender -  it's worse if you fights or you runs:
You may go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don't get away from the guns!

They sends us along where the roads are, but mostly we goes where they ain't,
We'd climb up the side of a sign board an' trust to the stick o' the paint;
We've chivied the Naga an' Looshai, we've given the Afreedeeman fits,
For we fancies ourselves at two thousand, we guns that are built in two bits - 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all loves the screw guns - the screw guns they all loves you!
So when we calls round with a few guns, o' course you will know what to do - hoo! hoo!
Just send in your Chief and surrender -  it's worse if you fights or you runs:
You may go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don't get away from the guns!

If a man doesn't work, why we drills 'im an' teaches 'im 'ow to behave;
If a beggar can't march, why, we kills him an' rattles 'im into his grave;
You've got to stand up to our business an' spring without snatchin' or fuss,
D'you say that you sweat with the field guns? By God you must lather with us - 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all loves the screw guns - the screw guns they all loves you!
So when we calls round with a few guns, o' course you will know what to do - hoo! hoo!
Just send in your Chief and surrender -  it's worse if you fights or you runs:
You may go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don't get away from the guns!

The eagles is screamin' around us, the river's a moanin' below,
We're clear o' the pine an' the oak scrub, we're out on the rocks an' the snow,
An' the wind is as thin as a whip-lash what carries away to the plains
The rattle and stamp o' the lead mules - the jinglety-jink o' the chains - 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all loves the screw guns - the screw guns they all loves you!
So when we calls round with a few guns, o' course you will know what to do - hoo! hoo!
Just send in your Chief and surrender -  it's worse if you fights or you runs:
You may go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don't get away from the guns!

There's a wheel on the Horns o' the Morning, an' a wheel on the edge of the Pit,
An' a drop into nothin' beneath you as straight as a beggar can spit,
With the sweat runnin' out o' your shirt sleeves, an' the sun off the snow in your face,
An' 'alf o' the men on the drag-ropes to hold the old gun in 'er place - 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all loves the screw guns - the screw guns they all loves you!
So when we calls round with a few guns, o' course you will know what to do - hoo! hoo!
Just send in your Chief and surrender -  it's worse if you fights or you runs:
You may go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don't get away from the guns!

Smoking my pipe on the mountings, sniffing the morning cool,
I climbs in my old brown gaiters along o' my old brown mule.
The monkey can say what our road was - the wild goat 'e knows where we passed.
Stand easy, you long-eared old darlin's! Out drag -ropes, With shrapnel - Hold fast - 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all loves the screw guns - the screw guns they all loves you!
So when we calls round with a few guns, o' course you will know what to do - hoo! hoo!
Just send in your Chief and surrender -  it's worse if you fights or you runs:
You may hide in your caves, they'll be only your graves, but you can't get away from the guns!

(Can be sung to the tune of the ETON BOATING SONG)